Friday, October 2, 2009

And yet it hurts so much... and yet... it does! Friendship, and truth- interconnected as they are!

(Journey in a Broken World)

Article by Marc Aupiais

I wonder at it, as its happening, as I watch it fall apart, and apart again.

I watch, not comprehending, hardly understanding... why again has it collapsed.

I still remember this emotion now, still feel it from memory, as understanding cradles what so often had occurred in my childhood friendships.

I understand now, that each friendship has its place if any at all, and its time. I understand and it no longer hurts should one end, or rather- it hurts greatly, yet is understood, and the pain is indeed even... comforting in a way- for it says that what I feel is true. The pain is good, in fact, true.

It is foolish to say our friends are our own, in fact we could not own them at all, and in my experience the closest of the "bestest" (those who promise most to remain friends forever) of friends may part for a reason or misunderstanding, or nothing.

Time changes man, and the souls or personalities or beliefs or ways which once fit, no longer do. Ultimately, we change, and change again as man. We do not stay static or the same.

Inside, pain moves, flows slowly or fast. We feel that our chest is tight, we want to cry or sink into oblivion, should a friend have been close. We pray and find no answer, or else simply want to cry.

The lesson I learnt after eventually losing some truly close friends was this- our friendships are governed by God, and are maintained while useful to him, while needed, or while we clasp onto them, as though they could even be eternal.

Once I felt pain as I lost a friend I had had for years, and anger also. Such fiery anger I felt, all that time ago. I wished justice against them, or something to show who they really had become. I prayed, and found I often then needed confession, or that is a sense I have felt of then.

Yet, goodness is fullness, and that which is good, is its fullness. That which is evil is where goodness lacks. Should it have been their goodness which hurt me, I would have been hurt, and yet better off for it. Yet, could I hold their lack to heart and feel pain for it? Surely not. For the person I cared for still was in memory, and indeed was my friend, yet what was before me was no longer them. I could cry for tragedy, but not feel anger now. For it was not their desire what occurred, but rather their misreading of this desire that lost me them to their thought of what was better apart from me, their once friend!

Sometimes, even I have found a person to be good as long as I needed them, to be perfect as a friend, the prayed for effect, as long as was healthy for my soul. I have found before that while a person was righteous as I knew them, they may lose their footing once I left- as though for my sake they had been kept true.

If our friendship does not fulfill God's purposes, we cannot expect him to keep it forever. I understand this now- and make sure I stand firm with friends in honesty, and yet in truth and love, and firm determination to seek what is best for them- which may well not lie with me. Perhaps only they and God may know.

Yes loss, whether in the relationship, or their very life- is hard, but the God of mystery is not a God who acts for no reason. A friendship may be restored, even stronger than before, or a death may save a soul.

Many things have their time and reason, and it is our place to always follow God, who speaks in conscience, logic and intuition- wherever this God of Sanity leads.

We should not fear the loss of friends by whatever means- even as we should pray they be not lost, in greater sense, we should ask this before we ask in lesser.

It is holding my tongue I have regretted most with friends, besides the occasional secret shared. To the true friend, the friend is more important than their relationship with their beloved friend, or friends.

And so, how do I view friendship- but as something as beautiful as snow, or a rainbow. True friends, I see as rare. But friends are human, fallible and breaking- 'cept those which do not break, or do not break any longer.

And so: we must know the truth- it is better to love than to be loved. This is the beauty Petrarch taught the world, even as it is better to love in reality than another kind of love.

A friend: someone entrusted to your love. A true friend, one who is entrusted back with you, and does.

Every temporary thing and way has its place, if at all, and its time- if at all. It is our place to serve, to do what is best despite our misreadings of our wants- which are much more vague than we'd tell the world, or maybe even our selves. Want and manifestation of want both play a role.

In friendship, we mimic God- who laid down his life for truth, and thereby his friends- but while laying it down- did not take his own life as a selfish man might.

May God bless us, as we entwirl in our many hopes and entangle with those friends who do good- yet let us rely first on Him, if not through them at times, and only then on them!

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