Sunday, February 6, 2011

Kill me Lord: Death rather than that


Article by Marc Aupiais

Death, lord, this I ask. I ask not for loyalty or friendship. Not for a lover or wife. Not for her or her loyalty to me. But if my being is for her, rather give me death than that yet do not deny the choice, do not prevent. Link my life to that choice, my death not hers if her loyalty fall. Do not oblige her to me, do not hold her to me.

I image bowing in a cave before a still lake. In a catacomb. I enter the lake, and it pulls me in. It moves me.

Our loyalty is to life, and to God. We are never never entitled to our own life. Perhaps if God commands, infallibly, then we should take our lives, for not to would be a most egregious, most heinous a sin against God and all men. The Christian has a complete loyalty to life.

We should ask God, if he does not permit us to obey him, rather for death than for that. And rather a life of every insufferable ill. Than death.

We are called to marriage or priesthood, or celibacy. This is our daily preaching of the Gospel. Therefore, to be selfish, to seek our own in dating or marriage is to seek death not life.

I sink into the water, it takes away my breath, and I am at peace. My will is dead, is gone, yet I beg and plead with God. Make me Lord, Make me, my life yours, not wealth, not friendship, not love. Make me utterly in poverty, for all I own is yours. Make me utterly poor, my very blood and veins, and marrow yours, not mine.

Make me poor in spirit. Punish me for the entirety of my life.


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